Before you meet this man that you think is “The One…” (A Shout out to my ladies dating online)

Did you first find out his name? It’s surprising to me how late in the conversation someone actually introduces themselves. Did you guess that his name was not “rippedblackhawksman75” just like I did? (Also, on a side note, what is going on with these usernames?!) Anyways, if you don’t know the name, how will you do that awkward dance when you find each other at the coffee shop, or my personal favorite, the bar?

Second, have you found out a few things about him? Like, ANYTHING? Because if you’re like me, you’ll be nervewrecked about finding him in the bar, and then about what the hell you will talk about for an hour. Get some scoop, so you have something to talk about. I’d like to note: You don’t HAVE to exchange numbers, but exchanging numbers will give you insight before your date. Do they text you, every five minutes, like Chris did to me? Or every five days, like Johnny? Do they call, seem interested? It’s great insight so you don’t waste your precious time.

Does someone know you’re going? I’m not your mother, and I’m not trying to be old fashioned, but the world is crazy nowadays and you must employ someone to be your “check-in” person. I sometimes value the fact that they may text you TOO much, because they want to know how its going. Although I have never left a date early, I would be more inclined to use that as a way out, if necessary. Better to always be prepared. (Love those Boy Scouts).

Lastly, where are you meeting? I love you dearly, but if this is your first, and maybe even second time meeting, Public it is. You know don’t if he’s an ax murderer (PS: if you can never figure out what to say to a guy when he invites you over, I actually do say this. 98 percent of the time it has elicited laughs), or if he wants to wear your skin for dinner. Gross? Yeah, but guess what, I have never felt like that was going to be an outcome because of meeting locations. Also, he doesn’t know that you aren’t an ax murderer.

Gotta play it safe!

xoxo

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One thought on “Before you meet this man that you think is “The One…” (A Shout out to my ladies dating online)

  1. You only tell one side of the story

    So here is a male version of internet dating 101

    Find a cute girl on a site like match dot com and after no more than three
    emails arrange, for a 30 minute telephone conversation during which you can
    try to establish that she is not a freak show or a dangerous stalker.

    Ask her about her favorite desert and make a note when she tells you (she
    is 29??) and has never had chocolate soufflé.

    Arrange to meet her on a Friday afternoon at 5:30 pm in a public place where
    she will be obligated to dress well and behave like a lady.

    Tell her to wear a dress or a skirt, and cute shoes.

    If she sarcastically asks you, which color nail polish she should wear,
    tell her that you like ” I’m not really a waitress” by OPI.

    The bar at the four seasons downtown is bound to be deserted at that hour so
    you can have a quiet conversation without distraction from other mashers.

    She’ll just be expecting a drink at the bar and stimulating conversation, with
    no idea of your entertaining plans for the evening.

    Get a manicure and a haircut before the event since ladies notice these
    things, and make sure your white suit is back from the cleaners.

    That and your purple and white striped shirt, with the French collar and
    cuffs ( so you can wear cuff links ) and your matching purple and white
    polka dot silk pocket square for your front jacket pocket.

    Don’t forget the lavender socks and make sure your white buck shoes are
    polished and spotless.

    Think Michael Caine in the movie ” Dirty Rotten Scoundrels ”

    This will insure that you are served first at the bar and you won’t have to wait in
    line anywhere as people will happily get out of your way to gawk.

    Call ahead and congratulate the chef on his cooking at the resort he just
    left in Aspen.and welcome him to his new job at the restaurant adjoining the
    bar you plan to visit, in the event that your date looks anything at all
    like her picture on the dating site.

    Arrive at the bar 30 minutes early so you are seated before she gets there.

    That way you can rise slowly and waggle your eyebrows just once at her when
    she shows up, and very slowly break in to a warm inviting smile.

    Studies have shown that this will cause her to mistake you for Clark Gable.

    After she has been seated and the bar man informs you that ” We have your
    Bollinger chilled Mr. Akselsen ” try to look nonchalant if she remarks that is
    the only champagne that James Bond ever ordered.

    Just say quietly “Ian Fleming got that from my Dad”.

    Take the sparkler from you suit pocket and light it on fire, handing it to
    her saying ” Here…, hold this a minute.”.

    All eyes in the room will turn to her as she is magically transported back
    to her fond memories of her favorite birthday celebration.

    While you are seated, avoid conversation about boring topics like work,
    school, family, or cars.

    Instead a good first question is “When was tha last time your heart was really racing.?”

    Or ” What is the craziest thing you’ve done in the last year
    and a half” or after the third glass of champagne… ” Tell me something
    you’ve never told anyone else before “.

    When she says that she has multiple personality disorder, and under stress
    turns in to a six year old named Missy, ask her which personality responded to
    your internet profile.

    Or when she says that she has a girlfriend, and they are looking for a
    boyfriend to join their relationship, ask to see a picture of the
    girlfriend.

    These things can really happen.

    Now it’s time to leave the bar, so tell her you feel hungry and if she
    likes, she can join you at the restaurant, adjoining the bar where you have
    reservations for a quiet table in the back with a nice view.

    When the chef arrives at your table (because you called earlier) and says
    hello, be sure to introduce him to your date.

    When the time comes for desert tell her that you have already ordered hers,
    for her.

    See if she notices that chocolate soufflé is not on the menu, and don’t
    forget to call 52 minutes ahead so they have it ready for her.

    Pay for the meal in advance by giving them an impression of your credit card
    when you arrive at the bar, so at the end of the meal you can just take her
    by the hand, rise from the table and walk to the elevator.

    If she inquires about the bill, ask her if she didn’t hear the chef remark
    that tonight dinner was on him ?

    Check and see if she nervously looks over her shoulder as you leave,
    expecting any moment that the Maitre ‘D will start chasing you out of the
    restaurant demanding payment.

    See if she looks relieved when this doesn’t happen, and reassured when all of the staff
    calls you by name and wishes you a pleasant evening.

    Tip them reasonably in advance.

    As you arrive downstairs at your waiting chauffeur driven Lincoln town car,
    tell her that you enjoyed dinner, and have now decided to go to the ballet.

    Tell her that she can join you if she likes, but she has to promise to keep
    her hands to herself.

    When you arrive at the ballet downstairs, smile and try to look innocent when the
    barman Larry recognizes you and regales her with stories of your outrageous
    behavior at the restaurant of his former employer.

    Take the elevator upstairs to the founders boxes, and as she passes the
    velvet rope, give her a playful swat on the behind.

    Odds are good that she has never been swatted on the behind in a private box
    at the ballet before, even if she does have a PhD.

    Before you are seated at the beginning of the performance, order your drinks
    from the bar to be served during the intermission.

    This way you can walk ahead of everybody else standing in line at the break,
    and just take your drinks off the bar, prepacked and get a quiet table
    during the intermission.

    Remember that the average person spends three years of their life waiting in
    line.

    At the intermission when your date asks you for the location of the ladies
    room , say ” I’ll show you” and then lead her behind the curtains off the
    hall where they are doing the remodeling.

    Once behind the curtains, and out of view, kiss her passionately, and then
    say “The ladies isn’t really back here” and take her to the powder room.

    After the performance tell her that you are going downstairs to say hello to
    “Sarah ” the Prima Donna, and the other ballerinas.

    Take her to the green room (where very few people ever go because they’re
    not told it’s there) where the audience is permitted to visit with the
    ballerinas after the show, and get autographs.

    When your date asks ” Are we allowed to go in here ??”.

    Say… “Of course NOT !!”… and walk right in….

    Then walk right up to the Prima Donna ballerina holding court for her
    admiring patrons.

    Hold your head up, lift your chest, walk with a purposeful stride and the
    crowd will part when they see your attire, assuming that you are someone
    important.

    DON’T ask the Prima Donna Ballerina for her autograph.

    Instead call her by her first name, and ask her which performance of the
    season she thought was her best, then introduce her to your date using just
    both of their first names. “Sarah this is Debra, Debra this is Sarah”.

    The ballerina will assume that she has met you before (even though she has
    no idea who you are) and treat you like a wealthy sponsor of the ballet.

    Next mention that “Ludovic” the muscular and handsome male ballerina in the
    far corner is a native of Czechoslovakia,

    Tell your date that in his homeland after a great performance, is customary
    for female patrons to say hello, and pinch him on the behind as a gesture of
    greeting and congratulations.

    Try not to laugh out loud if she actually does this.

    Be sure to go to her aid, nodding at the fellow in a friendly way, and
    take her by the hand to extract her immediately, when the befuddled
    foreigner tries to get her telephone number in a language that doesn’t quite
    resemble English.

    Walk her out of the room and downstairs to the valet car park.

    As you are approach your waiting car remember that the gentleman gets the
    car door for the lady and the chauffeur gets the car door for the gentleman.

    This will avoid confusion.

    If you happen to come upon your ex wife as you approach the waiting car, introduce her to your date, again using only their first names, and then say that you don’t want to make your driver hold up the line of the other
    waiting cars.

    Say nothing else at all.

    If your date asks you “How do you know that lady ? ”

    Tell her that you attended a wedding together, a long time ago.

    Then change the subject by asking if she can give instructions to the
    driver, so he can be sure to find his way to her home.

    Walk her right up to her door when you drop her off.

    During that awkward moment when you are both standing on the doorstep under
    the porch light,

    say to her suspiciously…. “You’re not going to try to kiss me are you?”.

    Then lean in and kiss her passionately.

    The next morning check your cell phone for a text message from your date.

    If the text reads “Gulbrand Thank you for the most romantic date of my
    life ” you can consider asking her out again.

    Think polo…

    Like

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